Not a good day at all

Once again I am in this funk, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have told Tony to leave. I know it's ridiculous to think that because it was, and is, for the best. But I can't seem to snap out of this sadness that has descended upon me over the last week. I have spent more time crying then not. Like right now, as I'm typing this, it's taking me forever because I can hardly see through the tears.

And truthfully it's not all about Tony either. There is a guy I met a while back and since then we've had some pretty intense convos. Then one day I got this email from him saying that we could still be friends but had to stop whatever else may have been happening. For the record, not the first time I got the "still be friends" line and I HATE those words when they are used together. Urgh! Anyway... Fine, says I, we'll do it your way. Because he is a good friend to me and always has been I'm not ready to just stop talking to him completely. I can't. I know this sounds a bit stupid, and frankly quite childish considering the circumstances I'm in, not even being divorced yet, but I can't help the way I feel. So we keep talking. For a couple of weeks he was true to his word, we only talked about friend type things and didn't stray anywhere near what we did before.

But he seems to be changing the rules on me. Sometimes he brings up certain things and I don't want to answer him truthfully, so I tell him that. Somehow, and I still haven't figured this out, he gets me to tell him what I'm thinking or feeling. I don't know what it is about this particular man that I can't seem to pull myself away from him, but I can't. Even though I know it's not going anywhere, and never will, I still hang on to the thought.

And since I know nobody around here is going to spill my business I will also say that he wants to meet me in person some day and I have, to a certain extent, agreed to it. I haven't completely said, "Yes, absolutely", but I want to. There's nothing I'd like more than to be able to hang out with him for a few hours. But I know what's going to happen if we do. We're all adults here so, let me just be frank. There is a HUGE sexual attraction for the both of us and if we get together and there's even the smallest chance of privacy, something is going to happen. He knows it, I know it. It's just the way it is. And I have to be honest and say that part of me thinks that if something like that does happen, he may just change his mind about us. But why would he do that? It would just be a one time thing, as he has reminded me on many occasions... not that I needed the reminder.... Is it foolish and fairytaleish to think that, just because of a few hours together, he would not want to be with this other person and be with me instead? I think it is. But on the other hand, it doesn't change my feelings on it.

Ugh, I'm so confused about everything right now. I don't want to stop talking to this guy. But I think that maybe it's the best thing for me to do. I mean, he tells me that he doesn't want to "string me along" but he doesn't stop himself when we start discussing something that maybe we shouldn't be. And then there's the fact that I feel like a complete and total ass because this other girl has no clue what's going on. I mean, my god! Am I the proverbial "other woman"? *shudders* I've been on one end of that before and wouldn't ever want to be the one to do that to a fellow female. But am I technically doing that? I honestly don't know. Just because I'm struggling with this doesn't mean that he is. And if he isn't struggling then I'm not doing anything wrong.... right?

I DON'T KNOW DAMMIT!!!!!

Another big problem is that I have no idea what is really going on between them. He says they are only talking again, trying to rebuild their relationship I suppose. But do they see each other? I don't know. I'm too afraid to ask him what is going on because, even though he is a good friend, there is my blatant jealousy that I cannot hide at times. I'm never very good at hiding emotions like that. Jealousy, obsessiveness, possession, these are things about me that just fly out at times. And man, I soooo don't want to hear about her. (I am reading what I'm writing and I know how horrible all of this sounds.) I just don't know what to do anymore.

And considering the fact that T and I just split up, what the hell am I doing getting involved with anyone anyway? It's too soon. It's too much, too soon.....

Isn't it?

Time is something that is both amazing and confusing. It can be delicate and harsh, long and short, wrong and right. What you are looking at is time frames lots of them too. First you and T broke it up, this is something that can be hard to deal with no matter what the circumstances were while you had been together. Even the worst of relationships can bring odd or sad (even if sad for being pathetic) endings. Give yourself time when it comes to this, T did damage to you. You need time when it comes to this, you need to let all the 'wounds' and feelings heal, I regret that I can not tell you how much time this will take, that is something that you will know when it happens. Time is different for just about everyone, and you are no exception Sneaks.
As for Guy, please do not go on meet him "as friends" or anything else if you truly believe that something will happen. I am serious, if he is with some one then this will only hurt you more. And you do not need any more pain! And this brings me back full-circle to: Time (I know I can be ridiculous) give yourself time on all of this:
Letting the relationship/break-up with T mend and letting that stay in the past.
Let yourself heal in all ways necessary before you jump into a new relationship, (again you are your own person, and the amount of time is up to you)
Give it time to see where you are going with Guy, and where he is planning to go with it.
Give him time to find out if he is truly going to be with "the other person..."

Time and tears! Yes, tears! Cry when you need to let it go!

Your (bestest) friend,
Christine
@Greeny

I understand everything you're saying Cristi and I know you're right about time. You know me, I can be the most impatient forever, even when I know it is useless. I know we talked about this the other day, and I've thought about everything you said, but I still cannot get this idea of meeting him out of my head. I know how stupid it sounds. And yes there is still that something in the back of my mind saying no quite a bit. I honestly can't explain, even to myself, why I want to so badly. There's just something about him that I'm drawn to. *sighs* I sound ridiculous and I know it.

...I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes trying to put into words why I can't get this idea of meeting him out of my head but I'm stumbling. My thoughts are so confusing. And the fact that over the last couple of days the two of us have had conversations about our feelings isn't helping. Neither one of us is coming out and saying it, we're just sort of tip-toeing around the whole truth, giving little hints of it here and there but no more than that. I've tried to stop those conversations before they get too far but somehow we keep coming back to it. The truth is I don't know what he's really feeling, I only think I know from some of the things he's said. But I could be wrong, there's a chance that I am wrong.

I'm terrified of asking him though. I can't bring myself to do it when I know I should. Part of me thinks that I wouldn't get a straight answer anyway. And I have no clue what I would say if he asked me. I think he's wanted to a few times but for whatever reason has decided not to. I'd like to think that I would just lie to him and tell him that there's nothing going on inside my head. That is my gut instinct when I think about it, but who knows what I'd do if he asked me?

Here comes the realistic me...
You barely know him, you need time. Maybe before the two of you meet you need to have a real over the phone conversation. Do I sound harsh? Maybe, but it is the truth, you should not go and have a 'meeting' with some one you barely know. And as much as you may talk to him, can you say that you truly know enough. Try to introduce the idea of a phone conversation, if that goes well then a second one...does this for a little bit. Then go for the 'meeting', please do not rush into this. Please, while I am not saying that he is a bad person but there are plenty of them out there and you should use caution with every single one!

I am sorry if I sound too harsh, but I am being honest.

Greeny